31 Savage (But Funny) Insults That Don’t Use Swear Words

A list is circulating online that asked people to share the best insults they’ve heard that don’t use any swear words. The responses are pretty savage.

Obviously, they’re not nearly as EPIC as the ones Big Dave made up, you know, that he talked about on the Mad Rock Morning Show a couple months ago: “You microscopic dung from a diseased parasite on a dog’s crusty-haired butt!” or “You saber-toothed, bald-headed anal orifice crotch-cricket hair bacteria, with rabies, from hell!”

But, here are 31 pretty good ones:

  1. From Parks & Rec: “you’re the human equivalent of gas station sushi”
  2. Someone once called me ‘weapons-grade stupid.’
  3. Straight from Shakespeare: ‘I wish we could become better strangers.’
  4. You’re impossible to underestimate.
  5. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
  6. You sound like a pizza cutter — all edge and no point.
  7. As an outsider, what’s your perspective on intelligence?
  8. Anyone who ever loved you was wrong.
  9. ‘If you were the prize at the end of my race, I would walk backward.’ —Judge Judy”
  10. I once saw a comment that read, ‘The bar was so low, it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil.’
  11. My brother likes to say “The bar was set so low on the ground and yet here you are with a shovel”
  12. I once told someone they had the personality of a busted flip flop.
  13. My favorite is, ‘I think you should carry a potted plant to replace the oxygen you waste.’
  14. I’d insult you, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t notice it.
  15. Stop playing hard to get when you’re hard to want.
  16. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you’d better hope they don’t die.
  17. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? It must’ve been a lonely journey.
  18. You’ve got a great face for radio. (Boy, never heard THAT one before…)
  19. I’ll bet when a family friend brings you up to your parents, your parents change the subject.
  20. If my dog looked like you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backward.
  21. How about I pay for your vasectomy?
  22. You’re so dense, light bends around you.
  23. Your face looks like the human embodiment of period cramps.
  24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  25. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
  26. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
  27. Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.
  28. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
  29. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  30. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  31. Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
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