The Top 10 Reasons You Won’t Be Watching the Olympics

The opening ceremony for the Tokyo Olympics is tonight.  Find out why you couldn’t care less with this list of The Top 10 Reasons You Won’t Be Watching the Olympics:

1. You get more of a contact high watching The X Games.
2. The only thing you like to watch from Japan is tentacle porn.
3. You prefer the REAL wrestling with folding chairs and thumb tacks.
4. You’re building your own Jeff Bezos penis rocket.
5. It’s boring.  But you’ll honor the occasion by lighting all your joints with a replica Olympic torch.
6. You can’t even WATCH beach volleyball without getting an itchy crotch.
7. The only things you watch on TV now are pretentious billionaires being launched into space.
8. You’re boycotting because you know the pain of losing a gig after you failed a drug test.
9. You finally got a prescription for your insomnia, so you never need to watch fencing again.
10. You remember when skateboarding was a thing kids did to AVOID sports.